Mary Poppins Does NOT Commit Seppuku with a Fork

I love my boyfriend. One of the things I love about him is that he always knows how to make me laugh. …He sometimes goes to great lengths to do so.

Having met through the martial arts, we were friends for about two years before we began dating (We’ve been dating three years now). During those two years, we talked about a lot of things. Sometimes, we talked about our hobbies, cracked jokes, and sometimes we talked about serious things: life, God, humanity’s purpose, etc. What I have grown to love about him in the past several years is his ability to connect with me intellectually on a deep level in one moment, and in the next, be entirely off-the-wall goofy and he has me roaring with laughter.

During our friendship period, I received several email messages while I was in boot camp. Though I couldn’t write an email back (just snail mail) I was able to receive messages if we passed inspection each morning. We were given our emails just moments before lights out each night. Sometimes, I wouldn’t have time to read my entire message, and when the person on watch wasn’t looking, I’d pull my message out, hold it up to the moonlight beside my rack, casting  a dim light on the folded paper, and I’d read it as best as I could. If I couldn’t read it that night, either because of exhaustion or lack of light, I’d stuff it into my pocket the next morning and read it while I used the head, usually completing just a couple sentences at a time because they timed us while we were on the pot: One minute. If you couldn’t take a crap or change a tampon in that amount of time, sucked for you!

So, my would-be boyfriend sent me email messages, very long ones, meant to make me smile and laugh about whatever was going on in his head or with my family back home. One day, I received a three-page, single-spaced, 10 point font email about Mary Poppins and his evaluation of the plot and the character of Mary Poppins herself. He’s a movie buff, so I wasn’t surprised, but I found it amusing that so much could be drawn from just a single, seemingly simple movie. I won’t share all of what he wrote here, of course, but just know, it was VERY detailed, and very serious. He wasn’t just telling a funny story or something. It was like a real movie critic evaluation of it.

The next day, I received another email from him which opened with the following paragraph, making me laugh:

We have a Katana Sword session beginning tomorrow (Wednesday) and I was attempting to put the plastic guards on the swords (as they ship separately). It wasn’t easy. I had to basically stab the sword into my stomach and force the guard onto the blade. Anyway, your brother thought that was the funniest thing he’d ever seen and proceeded to laugh mercilessly at me for approximately 15 minutes while I struggled through the task of applying guards to 10 wooden swords. It basically looked like I was attempting Seppuku- a Samurai ritual suicide. But it was insult to injury as I appeared to be not intelligent enough to use a sword with a blade. Much like that last wildebeest which runs by Simba in the Lion King. You know, after Mufasa has died, the stampede is long gone and Simba is lamenting his father’s death? That one stray wildebeest runs by and he/she appears to be just a little slower (in the head) than the others in the herd. Well, based on my competency with putting the guards on the swords, if I were a Samurai, I would have been akin to that A.D.D. wildebeest.

Trying to commit seppuku with a fork or something.”

I read the rest of the letter and it went on as usual.

Upon my return home, my parents, brother, Grandmasaan, and I, were eating dinner. Well, they were eating, I was still scarfing, having not quite realized that there was no longer a Petty Officer standing beside me timing me for three minutes to eat my food and then pulling my plate away when the time was up.

My mom decided to make dinner conversation and said, “While you were gone, we got a funny call from the Commanding Officer about A’s emails.”

“What?” I asked, confused, pausing for a breath of air which interrupted my food inhalation. “You mean, the Commanding Officer?”

“Yep,” she affirmed.

“What about them?”

“He’s so silly. They said, ‘Your daughter is receiving lengthy emails from [insert his email address] regarding Mary Poppins and trying to commit Seppuku with a fork, and we are rather concerned. Do you know who she is corresponding with?’ We laughed and said, ‘Oh, that’s just A, for ya! It’s just her friend, nothing to worry about!”

That, my friends, sums up my boyfriend: Mary Poppins and Fork Seppuku. There’s never a dull day!

Copyright 2013

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